Been a while since my last blogged. I was supposed to be in a happy place but life has a way of throwing shade on the sunniest day.
So yeah most of the time I write these rants is when I am going thru so what is the difference today? Today, even though I am going through I am not allowing what I am going through to consume me. I am meditating on this and waiting for God to tell me when to proceed and how.
This morning I found that my husband still choose to entertain woman, went as far as telling several woman he masturbates regularly and only married me because he was in the moment. I should be hurt or even devastated right? I am not, now. This morning when I woke up I was hurt. I was confused. frustrated. Furious. Now I am blah. I hinder no feeling at all. After consulting with my God, he advised me I have done everything he has asked of me. I have been the faithful obedient wife mother sister daughter and friend. I have laid my worldly life down and given myself as a vessel to him. He advised me not to let my heart be troubled. For I can not change man only he can, so why consume myself in wondering is it me? Did I do something wrong? Am I not fulfilling my orders, my plan?
If time could be reversed I wouldn’t have acted in such a haste. I would have held on to solidarity of solitude. I would have held on to the loneliness. I would have appreciated those late nights of struggling with bed covers and pillows to generate false romaticship and companionship. I would have endure the load of wandering in this world alone. I now miss those days. Not to say that I don’t love my husband because I do. However every day I am loving and missing me more. It’s not that I don’t enjoy hearing the ‘I love yous’ and ‘I cares’, because I do. However I yearn for more. I yearn for that person who will see me and think of me when no one is there to tell him to think of me pray for me love only me. Allow me to come to you so that you may go to our Living God to receive our union blessings. I yearn for the touch to set the fire within my soul. I yearn for the forehead kiss that installs security within my heart. I yearn for the voice to be reason for my confusion. I yearn for the hug to melt my frustration. Do I believe my husband is capable of all things, yes of course. Do I believe I am the one to receive that devotion…..? I rest unsure. However even in my uncertainty God has told me to be calm. Not to act in haste. Wait on his command. With this I can not help but be in lighter moods.