I wallow. It consumes me. I have no one to talk to. No one I trust not to judge me. I’ve been hurting for a while now but I can’t tell anyone why, how or whose responsible for pain I feel daily. No one will understand when I say me. It’s me that cause’s myself so much pain. My own insecurities, my own low self esteem and self confidence. I feel like l have no power in my voice. No spirit within me. I don’t trust anyone. Everyone I ever let close to me has hurt my soul. I always feel weak and stupid. Defenseless and fragile. I try to hide all this behind walls I’ve built maybe 20 years ago. Walls that have been chipped aways. Walls with pin size openings where I once been lead astray. Lead astray by countless others claiming to love me. Claiming to accept me. Claiming it’s ok for me to trust them. Claiming their not like all the countless other that left me in a pool of my own blood sweat and tears. Trust left me at the tender age of 11.
I try not to judge my present or my future off my past but it’s so hard when goes in full circle. Constantly repeating every moment with different actors. Maybe everyone is right. Maybe it is me. If everyone is yelling the same stuff at me, it has too be me. I’m stupid. I’m ugly. I’m unworthy. I’m grateful. I’m selfish. I’m inconsiderate. I do not know how to communicate. I’m a bad parent, friend, daughter and especially a horrible wife. These are all things that I’ve been told over and over. I can’t make anyone happy. I can barely make myself smile most days. Everyday I sink further and further in this depressing ass state.