Truth is this online blog… WHATEVER.. Is my personal journal that I share with whoever wants to read…

I am severly hurt. IT has been a full month since my husband left and now I am at the point where I just want to throw my hands up and prepare myself for a lifetime of loneliness. I know I will never love someone the way in which I loved him. I will never carry another last name. My heart aches daily. I’ve been trying to remain positive and focused on life. But life just feels sooo……….Incomplete without him. Like I don’t even watching tv because that reminds of him.. Shit this hard. Like I am mad that I ever got to experience this. I hate the fact that I fell in love. I hate him for having me fall in love. I hate him for leaving me so lost and confused. So neglected and abandoned.

How can you allow me to fall so head over heels? Why did you help me to the deep end and leave me to drown? You knew I couldn’t swim. You said you had me and left me… My lungs are now filled with salt water. My heart nearly exploded. My mind is no longer clear. All I can think is how can I save myself. I have never been in love. Outside of my children  I have never loved anyone beside myself. You showed me a world where I could trust and love and build… Or at least that’s what I thought. I wanted to have our last days be together. I took honor in being called or addressed as yours. I told you how fragile I am or was underneath the hard rough outer image I project. I told you that I’ve been hurt and fucked over so much in life that it’s sometimes hard for me to even love myself. You made me think you were really here for me. You made me thing that I had at least one person in this world that will really hold my hand. Now I feel used, betrayed, neglected, abandoned, worthless, not pretty enough, not smart enough,  I feel so fucken stupid. I’ve always told myself to never fall in love and look what yo ass did! You made me fall in love and now I am a lost puppy… I don’t know who I am or where I stand. I don’t want to look in the mirror. I don’t want to see the tears roll down my cheeks. I don’t want to see the ugly stupid reflection looking back at me. I am so hurt and damaged. You have RUINED me. You took my heart and buried it hid it from you and me. You have drained my soul completely of all light. You have even damaged my faith. I questioning my GOD asking why he do this to me. Why me? Am I not a good person? Do I really deserve to be put through such misery? How can you tell me you love? Don’t say it. Just please don’t. IT’S NOT TRUE!

I just don’t know what to do… The love of my life walked away and he is not walking back.

x

Heartbroken

 

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