No more private…..?

I am so done with the whole do in private shit. Everyone says keep these things between you and him. Keep this these things to yourself. Don’t speak to anyone…everyone about what’s going whether good or bad… But the truth is sometimes a person just need to vent. We don’t always care who the audience are, we just need to get this off our chest and released into the world.
All my life I have been afraid (or taught rather) to hide my feelings. Don’t discuss relationships. Watch who I interact with. Watch who I don’t interact with. Watch this, watch that. Be aware of the fake the phony. Give respect, get respect. Well guess what? That is so far from life is really like.
Look my life ain’t never been perfect. There was a brief moment where I felt just maybe happy ever after can be for me too. But truth be told when born in the gutter and raised by the street the future doesn’t have a sun. Ya dig. For every good thing I can name about 10 FUCKED UP things. I try really hard to be this bigger person and hold the world on my shoulders.. But HELL even I grow weary and weak sometime. Like I must ask how much do you think one person can handle? Like really, I’ve been carrying the weight of the world damn near my whole life and y’alls keep adding more and more.. I feel like a volcano at the point of eruption and no one ready for this transformation.
I want to scream shout and mess things up. I want to be someone else. Maybe if I was someone else I would be better off. I am literally dying right now and no one notice.. I keep a smile pasted to my face and a bounce in my walk but oh boy oh boy am I dead inside. I am pretty sure this life is a payback for all the bad I’ve done in past lives. I  am sure of this. If you all only knew how much hurt pain and abuse I’ve endured throughout life it’s amazing I haven’t off’d myself.
My recent tragic is worst of them all to me. I’ve always had a hard time of honestly loving or trusting a person. With my past and all the things that have happen to me in life it’s is very hard for me to even trust myself and my own judgement. So when I hooked up with my soon to be ex husband, it amazed me how easily it was for me to open up to him. To love him and trust him. It was just something about the way he looked into my eyes. Something about the way he held my hand or maybe the way he spoke to me without words… But I opened myself up to him completely. I let him know my past, my fears, my dreams, my failures, my goals, my shortcoming, my imperfections. I let him into every aspect of me. I trusted this man with so much more than just my heart. I trusted this man with my soul, my physical and mental health, my fears, my dreams, my passions, my path. I  trusted this man with my path. My walk. This man got me to fall so hard that I vowed my life to him in the presence of our families, my pastor and our Lord. I fell so hard that I dropped who I came in this world as and took on a whole new life as Sharee Demmings. This man made me feel like heaven opened it’s gates and the Lord came to say rest my child. Then he left me. Neglected me. Abandon me. As if to say sike to my happiness.  Well actually that’s pretty much exactly what happen. He put me on to of the world then said SIKE. The worst part of it all is although I hate him so much for what he done to me I love him too.
To be way more then 100 with it, right now I trust absolutely no one. Not even myself right now. I heart is basically burnt fuck black. Call the middle of this chest the black hole because truth be told love doesn’t live here anymore. As cold as the glacier that hit the titanic but as hot as volcano erupting in 100 degree weather.

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