Untitled…

Marriage. Isn’t everything people say it would be. Not everyone is strong enough to bare all that marriage holds. Some think that with marriage everything that was wrong becomes right. Every doubt they had or have disappear. That’s not how it works I can assure you.
I’ve been married all of 3 months and let me just say it’s been the most trying. Honestly we did rush into marriage. 2 fools in lust… Well one in lust and one fool in love. We’ve been together now 8 months. Everyone says if it wasn’t for the marriage we wouldn’t be together. I believe them. My spouse would have left me a long time ago. It doesn’t belief that anything worth having is worth fighting for. He unlike myself grew up surrounded by solid family with strong traditions and morals. He was brought up with strong intense discipline. I did not have come up with this way of life. I had a over-worked mother and cracked out step dad. Most mornings I woke up just glad the roof wasn’t smoked up. I often stayed in shadows growing up. I feared people. I still fear people. Nothing was ever easy for me. I never had a refuge, a safe place.  I never had anyone to talk to. When I united with my I did not think it would put a end to everything, however I did believe I found a pure love. I did believe I said good bye to lonely nights and feelings of neglect. Could I be wrong?
The problem with lust, is it fades. Once a person gets what they have lust for. After they have sank their meaty claws into what was once forbidden they are not no longer interested. It’s on to the next conquest. They forget all about what drew them to you in the first place. They start to only see the negative. No longer will they allow to feel connected wanted or involved. They will blame, disgrace you, discredit, dishonor you, disrobe you.  They will strip you down until there is nothing left and leave. To them they have done nothing wrong. While you sit attempting to swim against the current of crashing raw emotions. Paddling away from the waterfall you are sure will crash into the rocks. You will no longer know your ups, downs  or arounds. A state of confusion becomes your friend until there is nothing left but darkness. In which you welcome. You come to realize that darkness has always been there for you. Every high every low. Darkness has been there. The loneliness you thought have disappeared comes back again. The laughter of a thousands clowns is all that echo in your ear.  Your thoughts will tell exactly what you want to hear but not what you need. They will tell you are cursed. Never to be loved. Never. You’re ugly, no one should have to wake every morning to see such a hideous face. The sound of your own voice will become unfamiliar. Each day will pass like the day before.  You will lose track of time and space. Lust is more powerful than anyone gives credit. It has the power to destroy.
I can honestly admit, lust fooled me. Made me think I had forever. Made me believe that someone could love me. That someone could accept me with all of my flaws, all of my downfalls , in the mist of lust I thought I found love. Not his lust is gone. He has gotten what he wanted for so many years now has prepared to toss me aside. He no longer has use for me. I will not come with FREE sign or a SOLD AS IS. I’m the piece that will drift along the gutter until there is a opening big enough to allow my escape into the darkness.
I really loved him. Whole-heartily with no barriers. Accepted every fault, every downfall.His flaws were beauty marks as I saw it. I wanted forever. I even saw it hell tasted it for a moment. Then it all shattered. Why did I expect anything more, story of my life. Everyone and everything has always done the same… Build me up to break me down. But I tell you this for now on this heart isn’t black or on ice. It’s a vacant lot where the heart used to be.

You can only break a vase so many times before pieces go missing.

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