Been awhile

I’ve been going though some stuff. Been crying a lot more often. I do admit lately I’ve even been to sensitive for my damn self. It just seems I am the only one thinking about me. I know that sounds selfish but if you really knew me you’ll know how selfless I really am. I wake up every day because of my team. I grind and build for a better future. Never giving myself time to breathe. I walk out my door every morning ready for war. Ready for whatever is thrown my way. I break barriers. I change the game. I laugh in the face of miss opportunities. A smirk crosses my face each time some one tell me what I am not destined to be. When I enter my workplace I bang out a hard 8 1/2 (maybe more) hours every day Mon-Fri. Never complaining.  I talked to people who couldn’t care less if I died tomorrow as long as the paperwork is in tonight. I come home at night mentally and emotionally drained, however I know my work isn’t done. I change from my work clothes and out on mommie clothes. Now it’s time for my real job. The CEO position. Checking each member off as I passed them. Are the chores done? Homework completed? Rooms cleaned? Now time to make dinner and see if the hub wants me to run his bath or is he going to do it. Food on. Turn the fire down, roll up so hubby can have that ready once he’s out the tub. Talk to daughter (same talk everyday, RESPECT). Put son on potty.. Time to feed everyone. Bath time.. Bedtime.. Alarms goes off every morning 6am. Nothing I do is for me. I am always thinking of others. Always working for someone else. I’m not looking for no empathy sympathy whatever, I just wanted to note everything ain’t as peachy as you would think. Usually after bedtime I take a moment to reflect. Each night is a failed attempt at trying to find out who I am.

Everyone says that once you’re married you lose yourself. What if you were lost before you were married. I no longer feel in touch with myself. I have never been just Sharee. I’ve been Pat’s daughter, Pat’s sister, Andre’s sister, Tricie’s sister, Nay’s daughter, Dre ‘s daughter, such and such friend, Ayana’s mom, Aiden’s mom Armareon’s aunt, God ma, auntie, sister, babymomma, never just Sharee. I don’t think I really know what I like and what I don’t. I don’t know what makes me happy, sad or mad. Those things were always told to me. Someone always saying you should be happy. Or you should be mad. Or every other emotion.

I lost myself before I ever found myself. However right now in this very moment while writing I decided, I like being lost. I like not knowing. Not knowing makes it close to impossible to have standards or expectations of others. I can’t even set those things for myself how can I set them for others. I will work hard on becoming a shell. Somehow somewhere I forgot I was lost and held expectations in man and since I’ve frantically trying to get back to that damn tree I stumbled upon while wandering lost. Being lost isn’t bad at all depending on how you view it. When I was lost I was disappointed oro disrespected. When you’re lost you’re all alone. There is no one there with a outreached hand. A open ear, A honest look.  Or a shoulder to lean on…. OH HOW I MISS THAT TREE. I’ve been walking around forever but I haven’t made it back to the tree. That tree is the only thing that knows me. Able to protect me. Love me. Shield me. Guide me. I rely on this tree and now I can’t find it.

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