I am not even sure how to write this out. I want to share my feelings and let the world know! How can a heart be broken and mended and love as a whole all at once. The last 2 weeks have been close to hell for my family and I.
My 3-year-old son was severely abused 1 week and 4 days ago. His left hand has 3rd degree burns. He has to go under 2 skin graphing surgeries. When I brought him into the hospital for the burn and unclothed him I found bruises over his entire body. His legs were swollen and had frogs in them. (frogs: when you are hit repeatedly in the same spot usually by fist a lump will appear). We have been in the hospital every day. Some can call it our temporary residence. We are still currently residing at hospital. This is not an easy thing for me to talk about or hell even write about. But this is my only out. This may be the longest blog I ever write….
I thought my son was safe. I thought I did nothing wrong leaving my son with Mr. J. Williams. I’ve done this so many times before. I mean Mr. Williams is no one new. He has been in my son’s life since my son was 2 months old. He is all my son knew as daddy (my children’s biological father is different topic). This man has helped me teach my son to crawl, walk, eat, run, play, share, hell live. We were in a relationship the 1st year of my son’s life. After the relationship ended he still remain the male influence. Never would have imagine picking my son up from this man, my son would be in this condition. I wanted so badly to commit a crime. I wanted to go back to Mr Williams and attack him the way my son had been attacked. My heart instantly turned to black stone. I had to be a mom first and care for my baby boy. But every drop of blood in me fought for revenge and mother’s love. I was on fire on the inside and it showed on the out. I remain calm for the most part. I did not want to scare my son in more then already must be. I had to be responsible and handle things accordingly. I alerted the proper authorities and pressed full charges.
However none of that removes the pain I feel when I look at my son. I sit and wonder at times could I have prevented this. Is it my fault for trusting that this man will continue to treat my son as his own. How could I have known that this man would snap and do such malicious things to a child. My child. Even now I still wonder what could have cause this to occur. We didn’t have any bad blood between us. We have been on good terms since our break up. And yes our break up was indeed mutual. We both knew that a future did not exist for us. However together raising my son was at that point going great. Then one day 3 yrs later he just snap….. I am confused and hurt. My heart and mind is battling on what to feel. How and why can’t be answered or explained. Although I see that my son is a warrior. He is very strong. I may have shed more tears then he has.
Each day my heart goes grows more and more seeing my little man get back to top health. Seeing him get stronger and better each day keeps me alive. Gives me hope.
I can not as much as I want to give all the credit to my son for mending this broken shattered heart filled with so much love respect and appreciation. I large portion of that credit must go to my rock. He has been here with me every day. Sharing in all the pain and joys. He has taken every jab and returned hugs that shield from all darkest. His touch lets me know that this is only one of the battles but we will win the war. He is fortress. My rock. My better me. Also my family. My parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends even foes have reached out with prayer love and warm wishes for better days. All of this is taken in account when I am trying to figure out how to feel.
Is there still a rage in me burning like wild flower? Hell Yes, I wouldn’t lie and say different. However though all the love and support. That feelings is dying down and being replaced with something I would like to call HEAVEN. This feeling that wraps me and holds me and has promise to not let go is more then just love. This feeling do not have a name. It should be classified as a noun. This is a thing that can be felt. Touched. Cherished. Treasured. My family is healing and glowing with love commitment respect and appreciation.